There's a lot of men out there in this world and the purpose of this blog is separate the goldfish from the sharks and to guide any thirteen year old up-and-comings in the path of badassness. Take it from me, it takes one to know one.
First thing you want to do is work on your speech. Cursing is a great way to let everybody know your dick is tucked into your sock. You'll need it to be recognized in any public place (Crack houses, titty bars, gang bangs, and your little girls preschool). Its really fucking cool and can show people around you that you don't give a fuck about nothing. It doesn't take a lot of practice or much explaining and is easily the easiest first step to becoming a real man.
The next thing you want to work on with is speech and how to use it. You need to work on different forms of manly slang and learn how to talk to and pick up women. "Nice ass baby" works good as well as "Look at them titties!" Most manly slang will be picked up from hanging out with other manly men but those are two good starter phrases. And always remember, women love it when you are touching them so always have your hand on there back area or shoulders, no matter how much they say to stop, its just them coming onto you.
So now your asking yourself, "I'm wearing a star wars shirt and living with my mom, so how am I supposed to meet manly men like you Dakota?" Well I'll tell you.
The most crucial thing to work on is your appearance. It can get you recognized by women and fellow manly men alike. Cutoff sleeve Nascar and beer shirts should be the only thing you wear with old Levis, Wolverine work boots, and cowboy hats. Upper armed barbed wire tattoos are also extremely manly because everybody knows a picture is way more bad ass then the real thing. (You can show this work of art off in your cutoff Nascar shirt).
Have you changed yet? Okay, good!
Its time to buy a truck.
Manly men throughout the ages have always had bad ass vehicles, but old 4x4 trucks reign supreme in the world of manly men. Most manly men stick by certain brands of truck, but for a starter like yourself anything will do. Its always good when buying a manly truck to make sure its used and covered in rust. Once you have your truck picked out, its time to customize it to give it that manly look you want. Big tires are a good start. You can use these bad boys to get through just about anything. Believe me, there's nothing in this world that will make your dick feel bigger then climbing a hill or blazing through a big pond. Then cut off your muffler just below your seat to make that baby loud. Theirs nothing that turns a girl on more then a really loud truck, so let your new beast purr.
There are other "odd" things and accessory's you can use to show off your a man.
- Buy an armory of different types of weapons and ammo to defend yourself in any situation. Its a manly law to always have a gun on you, you never know whats around the corner.
- Drinking beer is the ultimate manly man activity. Its used to socialize and tell stories of the last colored person you ran over or how attractive you think your sister is. Real men stories.
Under law, your currently a many man, so go out and find some new friends.
That doesn't mean your done, theirs still a lot to learn baby bird.
Next you need to work on is your mindset. Your mindset will take longer then all of the manly things you learned put together. You will need to change your whole outlook on life, people, and yourself. Start off by making everything about you. This may sound like it will destroy relationships with people you know but it won't, everybody already wants to be around you.
Now you need to work on superiority. Every manly man knows your still a fledgling if you haven't proclaimed yourself better then everybody else because your American. Remember that, we have the bombs, we are free, so be proud! Getting flag tattoos (American, Confederacy, White Pride..etc ) is a cool way to show off your support of America and the wonderful things it stands for... (Hating gays, beating blacks, killing rag heads, and believing in Jesus Christ).
The last thing you need in your quest to becoming a real man and getting the perfect mindset is to obsess over yourself. Masturbating in front of mirrors is a great start. Steroids also help, they will bulk you up and give you a wonderful personality that people will thrive off of.
Before you know it, you'll be the center of attention, women will want you, men will want to be you. You'll be king in your own world and nobody will ever stop you. Good luck my friend.
-Dakota Wilson
For anybody looking to drop me an email ive created a new Ideas Blog email!Things.to.help@gmail.comHelp me out by sending ideas for blogs or just tell me what you think!Hatemail is also welcome.
Everybody's done it and if you haven't, its damn well gonna happen,(Unless you take up more then one seat, in which case you'll get your fat ass escorted to the door) which is why I decided this would be a great topic, The Airport Situation.
So here you are, fresh out of your radioactive shit hole you call a town and your out to see the world, escape from the stress and anxiety of your job, and just simply get away, but, this being the land of opportunity, there's always a couple people looking for the "Opportunity" to fuck with you just a little more and remind you your only three hours from home. Why do they do it. I have a theory.
Think about this, your an airport attendant, you work in a fast paced, high stressed environment, everybody is rushing, everybody wants to get away. Most are the "Get A-ways." The employees biggest issue. You've seen these people. Outdated Hawaiian button-up t-shirts, tight khaki above the knee shorts, sandal's with socks, spray on tan and a large ghost white wife, almost matching. Now, think of these people lives. They might have kids, but they are already gone, they both have two horribly paying jobs and maybe just scrapped enough cash together to enjoy themselves. One thing about them. They are mad as fuck. They are already stressed about money and eager to get away, and whats the only thing between them and freedom, the airport. So my point is, maybe the reason for assholes at the airport, is the eagerness to get away, and the assholes piss of the employees who have to take it out on everybody else (Over priced drinks, unnecessary searches, and the all famous, cavity search.)
We covered the aggressive part of the airport, now how about the always occurring layover. When you realize your trapped in Denver airport for three hours you damn well better find something interesting to do. Luckily, I have a couple suggestions. The first thing you wanna do before you explore is evaluate your situation and ask yourself a few simple questions "Have I ate today?" "When did I last take a shit?" "How much time do I have?". You ask yourself these three questions and follow and obey your answer, and you'll be fine. Once you do that, the airport is your oyster and your as bored as a midget in a theme park. Your first option and my favorite is to meet new people. Now this a lot more trickier then it sounds, so to avoid the hassle, go to a smoking station. Here, everybody has answered the"How much time do I have?" question because smoking stations are always conveniently located three miles away from your gate, so bring water. The smoking stations are a great way to meet people (Child molesters, rapists, kidnappers, and the creepy old men who don't stop staring).
If your not the smoking type, you can always waltz your way on over to a gift shop. Gift shops are always a lot of fun to browse, but if your not Bill Gates, good luck walking out of one with anything more then a hustler and a pack of gum.
If looking at twenty dollar key chains isn't fun, try scaring the shit out of people. Its a lot more risky but only for the hardcore. The first thing you wanna do if your the hardcore traveler, is always travel wearing a black business suit, black sun glasses, and always walk around on your cellphone. Follow any person who looks to be from the middle east and mumble loudly but not to coherently and have a conversation with yourself expressing the words "Target;following;bomb;terrorist;execute;roger that;. I can guarantee you that dirty rag head won't be bombing anymore buildings, because everybody knows their all guilty.
I hope this helps you on your next endeavor!
-Dakota Wilson
For any normal person coming by this, it may be somewhat hard to understand what I'm trying to do here, so ill explain it. I simply have a head full of funny shit and and different/odd opinions/situations for just about everything, and the idea of this blog is to let you see inside my head. If this even kicks off like I hope it will, I would be happy to answer questions emailed to me by readers. Now your asking yourself, "What kind of questions is he talking about?" Well, I can tell you. Nothing like "Are you single?" "How big is your ...". No. I'm looking the questions that float across your head throughout the day in awkward situations and so on.
- "How do I make getting stuck in the airport fun?"
- "How do I entertain dinner guests?"
Basically the standard "How Do I" question. Most answers/lists are not serious, but if you really wanna follow through, I proclaim thee awesome and a true fan.
I will come up with my own "How Do I" questions but if you want your own, feel free to email me. I have a answer to everything. Believe me.
-Dakota
